My Top 10 Worst movies of 2022

By Rob Ryan

As much as it can be gratifying and relaxing to talk about the films that moved you, inspired you and reminded you why you are writing about film in the first place, It should be noted that 2022 wasn't all sunshine and rainbows when it came to the movies that came out. As much as I would like to spread some positivity and talk about my favourite films of last year (don't worry that will be coming soon) I have an immense desire to get these stinkers off my chest. It should be noted that these are not exactly the worst movies ever made or that my list is the only correct list there is, this is just a list of the films I saw last year that I liked the least and If you enjoyed any of these then more power to you, I wished I had your mentality.

1o) Don't Worry Darling

Olivia Wilde's surface-level attempt at tackling patriarchy, misogyny, gender roles etc may not be the worst movie of last year to try and tackle these subjects (that winner is further down in this list) but is about as subtle as a sledgehammer smashing a melon into little pieces, With a protagonist so stupid that in spite being way ahead of all the women in this 50s esc commune, is still unable to see that her partner who she never once interrogates is also behind the conspiracy. All culminating in a final reveal that is so silly I almost laughed in exasperation, as it is not only ludicrous but also raises a plethora of questions than it does answers. Worse the pacing is incredibly slow as most of the movie consists of spoonfeeding you the same info about how problematic this world is over and over again as you sit impatiently waiting to get to the next plot point you already have mapped in your head. All in all, this is a well-made but frustrating experience that is nowhere near as smart as it thinks it is. Also what was up with that ending?

9) Where the Crawdads Sing

Where the Crawdads Sing is a stilted and trite romance that is occasionally a court case drama. Neither of these two plot lines hangs together as you forget about the latter due to the movie spent so much time on the former. This is the least of this movie's problems. The awkward southern US accents by British actors, The fact that this swamp girl looks like she's posing for a Lorell magazine despite spending her whole life in nature. The mawkish love story and the fact that none of the love interests that our lead meets are good enough for her. The inconsistent pacing as everything feels very rushed despite the movie being over two hours. It's a perfect storm of manipulative, sanctimonious, forced and fake. The only redeeming quality is from the always reliable David Straintham whose soothing voice and charisma are enough to draw anyone's attention to the screen as soon as he starts talking. It was enough to keep me awake before going straight back to boredom as soon as he was off the screen.

8 ) The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent

This is a movie that on paper sounds like it should be near impossible to mess up. A movie where Nicholas Cage plays himself and is invited by a die-hard millionaire fan to write a fan movie with him in it, How could it go wrong? Well just add a hackneyed and uninteresting action movie plot as well as a load of elements that don't matter and then you have The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. It doesn't help that the movie doesn't seem to understand why Nicholas Cage is as popular as he is as the writers seem to only think of him as "That man who overacts and shouts a lot" Instead of a committed actor who works in a different level compared to the film he's in. The scenes with him and Pedro Pascal do give a sense of what this movie could have been but none of the jokes about his carrier are funny even for die-hard cage fans as there's not even a joke about him once having a dinosaur head or how he's part of the Coppola family. On top of that the action plot is so forgettable that it feels shoehorned after the fact just to have some explosions to sell in the trailer. All in all very disappointing.

7) The 355

The previously reviewed 355 is an unoriginal and uninspired spy thriller that would have been dated even in the 2000s. With action scenes that are as coherent as finding your way to the toilet during a rave, a contrived plot involving a mugufin that is going to cause the world to end because there always is in every movie like this and a twist that even a toddler could even see coming a mile away. Its attempts at commentary on the corruption in government organisations would only give of a response that reads "no shit sherlock" and the female empowerment angle holds no water as the only ones who would buy into it are the same people that would clap and cheer at military propaganda for simply showing that women also serve in the army. Even the star power involved is not enough to save this drivel from being collectively absent from the public consciousness by the end of the year, something I previously predicted in my review of this a year ago now.

6) Thor: Love and Thunder

Thor: Love and Thunder is 2 hours of Marvel quippy humour taken to its most insufferable. Do you love 2 hours of actors ad-libbing in front of a blue screen? do you love forced attempts at the emotion that are never earned whatsoever? Well, Takia Wattit has got you covered in his second and hopefully final Marvel outing. Thor Ragnarok was an admirable attempt to set off some lightbulbs in the franchise and offer a more colourful and fun movie rather than being a self-serious blockbuster with some humour added in but the humour still detracted from the plot too many times for it to fully work and Love and Thunder is all the problems of Ragnorok times 100. It doesn't help that most of the movie is very dreary to look at, the visual effects are below par even by the standards of the MCU and none of the actors (with exception of Christian Bale) seem to be having any fun. Not even Watiti seems to be enjoying himself directing this as this just feels like a project out of obligation rather than passion. If this movie is an indercation of what's next to come for Marvel then god help us all.

5) The School for Good and Evil

Paul Feig's latest multi-million dollar tentpole release is a gaping hot mess from start to finish. Where do I even begin? How about a scene when a giant CGI eagle picks up our protagonists and carries them to the school? Which is supposed to be this movie's answer to the Hogwarts express. Or a scene when a character dies, comes back to life in the form of said eagle and dies again. Or how nothing about the world-building makes any sense, Or how this movie doesn't know if it wants to be comedic or serious. Or how unfocused the entire narrative is. Or how none of the characters are likeable or interesting. Or how confusing the sequel bait ending is, Or how tacky the CGI work is, I could go on. I know the world-building in the Harry Potter franchise is rife with issues but movies like this make you appreciate the attention to detail by comparison which here not only feels limited but has no sense of scale or wonder. All in all, this was a complete waste of time and I pray they don't make a sequel

4) Men

Men is one of those movies where one of its biggest insults is that it's technically very well-made and has a lot of tension. This just makes the end result even more infuriating as incredible craftsmanship is in service of a self-indulgent mess. Picture this, you go to the cinema because you want to see a really good tight movie, nothing overproduced and excessive, just a good story. You sit down, the movie starts and you are sold on the minimal dialogue, tension building and the foreboding sense of dread. It tenses you up, leaves you feeling sick and you can't bare to think where it's all going to go and what wider point the filmmaker behind this is trying to say. But then at a certain point during the third act, you start to realise that there is nothing beyond the surface and all that build-up was all leading up to a flaccid, wet fart of a conclusion that only reinforces Alex Garland's limited understanding of the subject matter he feels confident in tackling. By the end, your left cheated and annoyed that you bought into this movie's tricks while it had you in its grip.

It even makes you think about the whole movie in retrospect and that there is nothing profound that Mr Garland is saying beyond "men are dicks" Thanks Mr Garland for your input, very profound!!! His previous films included EX Machina which was about exploitation and objectification through A. I and was within Garland's understanding of men's behaviour due to the two main characters being men, Annihilation had its problems but at least it wanted to open up existential discussions about our place in the universe, here there doesn't seem to be anything that you probably didn't hear already in a women or gender studies class which are probably more insightful and profound than anything in Men.

3) Fall

To give credit where it's due, there is one sequence that is very well done, it involves a lot of climbing and a lot of decaying metal about to give weigh. It's enough to make any acrophobic person look away from fear, but that's where all the positives for this film end as from then on out we get the most repetitive and frustrating series of trial and error ever put on screen, as our leads are stuck on top of a tall satellite tower and instead of using their climbing skills to try and climb down, use a bunch of methods that predictably end up working against them. It's the cinematic equivalent of the "Oh No, They're Biting him and Stealing his Pants" scene from The Simpsons. " Oh good those rednecks will save us ....OH NO, they're stealing our stuff in our car!!! Oh good, We can just fly this drone to the diner and they can get help...OH NO a truck ran it over!!! Oh Good, I can just climb and grab the bag that's stuck on a ledge.... OH NO, the rope broke off! Rinse and repeat. Terrible performances and dialogue are aplenty and on top of that the film has the Gaul have a message about "Living life to the edge no matter what" in the final narration, despite doing that had dire consequences throughout, What kind of inspirational message is that?

2) Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

In another tired attempt to reboot a dead franchise that should have been left to die years ago, Netflix brings us a thankless modern reboot of the horror classic that no one asked for. Complete with every character being so annoying that you hope they die within the first 10 minutes. Half-hearted attempts to comment on "woke" culture, clearly written by someone reaching their 50s, a derivative and embarrassing attempt to bring back a scream queen from the first film just to turn her into a badass who's out for revenge, an over-reliant on being gory rather than scary. (not saying gore is a bad thing but when that's all you have to offer than what's the point?) and an ending that makes everything we've just seen completely pointless. No new ideas are explored, characters and plot points are abandoned, and it has nothing to offer beyond excessive gore and expansions from the original that didn't need to be expanded upon. At least Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 is baffling on how bad it is, this is just boring bad. AKA The Worst kind.

1) Firestarter

This provides the perfect segway to my number one, to get obvious out of the way, Is Firestarter the worst-made movie of 2022? No. Is it the worst-acted movie of 2022? Also No, But was it the biggest waste of my time of last year so much so that I not only wished I had done so much more productive things with my time but started to re-consider my love for cinema? YES, YES AND YES!!!

How do you make a movie about a little girl with the power to set people on fire excruciatingly boring? Well, you can thank Mr Jason Blum at Blumhouse for providing that answer. Words can't describe how dull, insipid and uninspired the whole movie is, No one in front of the camera nor behind the camera looks like they want to be here. Nothing about the story is surprising or interesting. It has zero tension and gives you zero reasons to be emotionally engaged, the movie reduces you to complete numbness. You are left feeling depressed at how a film could be made with such little passion. Especially considering they have the original Stephen King source material to work on as well as an 80s adaptation that is much more exciting in comparison. The entire script feels like a first draft, none of the dialogue feels natural. Very few performances are remotely sub-par, There is nothing you haven't seen before and done much better. There aren't even any decent action scenes as there seem to be only a maximum of 5 locations in the entire film and each set piece is completely slow and unmemorable. The only credit I can give it is having a solid John Carpenter score but you be better off listening to it on its own separated from the film itself. To reiterate it isn't the worst-made film from last year but it's the film of 2022 I regretted seeing the most, and that is why this is my least favourite movie of 2022.

(Best of the year list is coming soon)